6/12/26 Space X Day!

So, like him or not, dude is the first trillionaire this rock has ever seen. I’ll admit, I helped him get there with my incredibly insignificant purchase of 12 pre-IPO shares, you’re welcome, Elon. In return I obviously have some lofty asks from the world’s richest man.

1- Would you please at least entertain that the first manned Starship to Mars have both Rosie O’Donnell and Kathy Griffen onboard? You could put them in appropriately sized cages and store them next to the chickens in the far back. Let’s be honest, we can’t land on Mars, meet up with some aliens, and give them our best to start with. Let’s slow play this bitch a bit. Also, should there be a catastrophic event en route to the red planet, zero fucks would be given on this blue one.
2- Something something something, hot alien bitches. To be clear, I do not believe there is any intelligent hot bitch life on Mars. I do however fully subscribe to starting the movement and incorporating a small portion of our hot bitch overflow into a new Mars community. In fact, being the selfless person I am, I would even be willing to Joseph Smith that place and be the sole male to the gaggle of hotties provided. Keeping in good J.S. form, once more people are allowed, I will need 10% of their gross income monthly along with any D-cup females they bring along for my enjoyment.  
3- Finally, I request that Matt Damon be allowed to visit on occasion. Clearly he knows his way around and I do love me some potatoes. When he is not cultivating my farmlands, we can take a moment to enjoy a rousing game of Texas Hold ‘em. He can also explain to me why everyone from Boston is a dick. Don’t get bent out of shape Boston, it’s a fact, not an opinion. You did this to yourself.

So I will take total blame for not updating in the past 10 years but hey, I had shit to do. The good news is that I have decided to re-boot this bitch and give you all something to look forward to every week. Well, not every week. I know your planters wart is exciting and looking at your fat half naked mom coming down to visit you in the basement each morning rocks, but this ranks right up there.

Welcome back!