Sorry for the delay. I know I said I would have a big update for you then I remembered we are all fucked on Friday anyway, see above. Guess it is time to review my bucket list.
Done:
- Skydive
- Go to Europe
- Go to Hawaii
- Get married
- Get divorced
- Bang your girlfriend
- Bang your mom
- Create a super fucking awesome website
- See a Super Bowl in person
- Go to Oktoberfest
- Go to the 6th floor of the book depository
Yet to do:
Get caught up on Sons of Anarchy
Figure out if I really want to bang Debra from Dexter
Get Seahawks fans to quit being crying ass pussy sore losers
Find Nicole and Ron’s real killer
Have a 9 way with all the old Baywatch bitches in their prime
Blaze a J with Snoop Dogg
All of the remaining seem pretty doable except for the Seahawks one and OJ. Missing anything? Let me know by email at mike@iheartmike.com .
Who is this chick you ask? Ah that’s cute? Did I just out you? Yeah, if you have to ask then you either don’t have a television or you don’t care for the fairer sex. DirecTV genie is her name dude! And yes that is her god given name. It’s not worth Googling her either since you can’t find naked pics ANYWHERE!! The only real knock on this chick is that she banged Derek Jeter. I can’t totally hate on all chicks that have since that’s like fucking all of them. He is still an enormous pussy by the way and has to bang lots of super hot chicks to make himself feel like less of a vagina. On the flip side you have me. I turn down the ‘P’ all the time because I am totally comfortable being the god-like stud horse that I am. I did rail DirecTV genie however. I am still just a man you know.
Thanks to Dan G for the pic!
Hot Chicks That Love Me!
It appears that my blowing myself on a website is good luck for the Steelers! This is great news. It's going to be a tough game this week so I may end up with lockjaw.
I was here and you were not. Listen, occasionally one needs to leave the hipster having, shit rain pouring, ugly people growing, disgrace of a sports town I call home here in Seattle for something fucking awesome! Going to Hawaii is like banging the chick you tried to in high school then finally did in your 30’s when you bumped into here at a bar, except good. Don’t try to act like that P you were chasing for all of those years lived up to the hype because it didn’t. Hawaii does. And I gotta say that sitting in a sports bar on a Sunday morning at 8:00AM drinking a beer while watching football with the water behind you is the fucking best! Remember when I said this website is all about me? Still is, and this is what I want to talk about. I am the Big Bang! Mahalo bitches!
Why Big Mike? Why not?
So there is a local restaurant that serves the Big Mike for breakfast. As you can imagine it is super popular. I haven’t tried it and probably won’t since only chicks should enjoy the Big Mike. I’m sure I will now be inundated with email requests on how you too can have yourself a Big Mike. Go ahead and email me at mike@iheartmike.com . Enjoy!
You know how some people can read something and totally get it and the other need to be shown by example? Julianne was the latter. I showed her some of the greatest moves ever. Great moves like the pile driver, The Dinocorn, and The One Eyed Penguin. After all of that she decides to move to LA and get into dancing? Oh well, I feel good knowing that every time she gets thrown in the air by her dance partner a little pee comes out due to the fact that I wrecked her. Nice try getting with that human tampon Ryan Seacrest. I get it Julianne, he has a dainty penis and after me that is probably great for you. Turns out Ryan’s dainty penis is actually a huge clitoris. Oh and if you think I want to get back together now you are totally right, let’s do this.
Every fucking year I get talked into doing a bracket for money and every fucking year I lose. Listen, I don’t give 2 shits about college basketball. I give only a few shits more about the NBA. This entire year I have watched zero college basketball games and couldn’t name one player anywhere. That means I should win right? These fucking chicks that play and pick pretty colored uniforms win all the time! What’s the difference? Well whatever, I get to gamble so this time next year I will be bitching again about losing. P.S. If your Elite 8 are still intact you are a no-pussy getting toilet.
The X stands for Mike, FYI. Well people I am on vacation starting now! Going to spend a little time in Florida reminding myself what sunshine and hot chicks look like. In case I haven’t mentioned it I live in Seattle currently and fuck me retarded there are about 4 hot chicks in this entire city. Really, last census it was 4 hot chicks. So if you are a chick in Seattle reading this right now I’m sure you think you are one of the 4, you probably aren’t. Sorry. Send your pic in to mike@iheartmike.com and please prove me wrong. I will look for those emails to come flooding in. Anyway, sunshine and hot chicks in my future and no updates on iheartmike.com for 10 days for you. I will be back with a vengeance however. Feel free to send your rant so I can post it to the fan write in section. See ya!.
Type your paragraph here.
Sports That Matter to Me.
So this is Jennifer Lawrence. Some shitty rag named her the hottest chick of the year. I can see where she is hot but hottest of the year? Really dude? Don’t get me wrong, I banged her and it wasn’t terrible. She even took the break up well. It went like this. “Hey you, your cab is here. Lock up behind you.” She still calls my sweet pager, yeah I still have a pager fucker, and she leaves me her number and adds the 911 after so I will think she is in trouble. You can’t fool me Katniss, I am on to you. I don’t give two shits that you won the Hunger Games. You still didn’t show your tits! Clingy chicks are the worst.
You know what makes me happy, a smiling cool ass dog and a beer.
If you can look at this and not get happy then I cannot help you. In fact if this doesn’t make ya smile a little then the terrorists have already won. Unfortunately for me I live in Seattle so I won’t see that type of nice day for about 9 more fucking months. Send me your pics of what makes you happy so I can mock you. I doubt any of you have something that will impress me. If you do I will put it on the site and apologize. Good luck.
Hot Chicks That Love Me!
Chachis and Toilets
Not a sponsor but they make an AMAZING product. Quick story for you all. A friend of mine is crashing at ‘casa de ihearmike.com’ for a few nights. We get our drink on and are shooting the shit all manly like. Conversation makes its way to my balls, is that weird? Anyway. Talking about my junk and I mention that I use Fresh Balls every morning. For those of you not in the know it is this wonderful lotion that you rub on your junk and then it turns to a powder to keep you fresh all day long. Hence the name. So for one reason or another I bring my bottle of Fresh Balls out to the table we are drinking at. I demonstrate, ON MY ARM, how this shit works. I put a little on my arm and rub it in for a second or two. After 30 seconds it turns to powder. So I tell my buddy to smell my arm. No this story is not going where you think it is. So my buddy smells my arm and says “Your balls smell like that?!?!” while he is smiling like a lunatic. Never have I seen so much excitement about fresh smelling balls. Thanks for the laugh Danny!
Shout out to Derek for hooking me up with the Fresh Balls!
I would like to take a moment to apologize to our new friend Tom who I have clearly upset. Nothing makes me sadder than thinking I offended you or yours. Bah ha ha! Toilet. That’s shit is awesome you enormous pussy. So given your awesome kill yourself comment I can assume a few things.
You did not get laid in high school, or college.
Your mom is pissed that you keep moving back in.
Your dog is pleased with your penis size.
Relax Tom and enjoy the site, it will only help you out in your everyday life. Maybe if you keep reading you may eventually start watching football on Sundays and even look at a nice rack from time to time. Shit, I may be getting ahead of myself.
To my other new friend "The Authority", may I call you that? (It sounds kind of fucking cool by the way)I appreciate the feedback. You were a bit more descriptive than that cutter cunt who asked me to kill myself. I agree I am not even close to where I want to be with this site, but I am having a blast with my new found hobby. As this 3 week old project continues to grow and mature it will become the beaming icon of all that is cool, like me.
Welcome to Club Chachi you a-hole. Look at you dude, you are Lt. Dan from Forest Gump in the 21st century. So let me get this straight. You are a super athlete, you win medals at the kind-of-Olympics, and you somehow manage to land this piece of ass??!! Yeah, you are right, you should probably kill her. What a dick you are! Now I am not going to disrespect her by saying I ran through her before you did. I will type it however! Bitch was crazy nuts in the sack! Had to get rid of her though. She always wanted me to wear stilts to bed. Shit got old. In fact I get why you did it. If the blade doesn’t fit……
Thanks for the tip on this one Derek!
Hot Chicks That Love Me!
So this is the lovely Abigail Ratchford. To start, fuck yeah!, and to finish,,,,well I did. Just take a second and enjoy the best thing that came out of Scranton PA since The Office. Now I have to be honest. I dig chicks, this is true. To add to that, I dig hot chicks that are 1. Brunette 2. Huge boobs 3. Have no problem sexually objectifying themselves. No lets all be honest for about 3 seconds. This chick is so hot that half the chicks reading this are secretly thinking that they would hit it. Forgot to mention I am apparently a mind reader. Enjoy.
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Hi again Sara, glad to see you are still super fucking hot. I will always have a soft place in my heart for you being that we are from the same town. I barely remember you liquoring me up with Bartle and James Black Cherry wine coolers before punching one out under the bridge outside of Beaverton, OR. You always said you would be in Playboy and I would say prove it. Ahhh, the good times. Well it looks like you are not as suicidal as when I left you but please remember the restraining order is still in effect until January 2019.
Hot Chicks That Love Me!
Because a monkey sniper is fucking funny, thats why!
Maxim really is the gift that keeps on giving. I have no idea who this chick is but holy shit! Her name is Arianny Celeste and I am pretty sure I will stalk her starting…..now. I am kidding, bitch has been blowing up my phone all night. Hey Arainny, it was a one time thing. I’m just not that into you! You are only #58 on the Top 100, I am not going to be seen around town with a #58. Fuck!
Hey Chris C, thanks for the pic idea. Its like you can read my fucking mind or something. The picture above actually looks a little like me when I was 13-15 and banging EVERYTHING! Dont judge, tall skinny dudes keep getting banged for a reason. Hint, it is not my winning fucking personality.
Oh how I have missed you. Is what I’m sure you all are saying. I get it. Sometimes in life you can lose focus for a little while. It then can take a perfect rack to make you realize what you were meant to do. I was meant to look at great racks and comment on them, or to them. You were meant to enjoy the racks I present you and bask in the glory of my awesomeness.
By the way, may I introduce you to Rosie Roff. She will most likely have my child growing in her by the time you are done reading this. I work fast, ask your mom.
Hot Chicks That Love Me!
Sports That Matter to Me.
Hot Chicks That Love Me!
Hot Chicks That Love Me!
This chick you may or may not have heard of. This is Courtney Lenz. She is the toilet who claims she was thrown off of the Ravens cheerleading squad because she gained 2 pounds. As you can see, she is not an ugly chick but here are the problems I have with this whole fucking thing:
1 – You shouldn’t get fat = Courtney’s fault.
2 – You live in Baltimore = Courtney’s fault.
3 – You sound like a pretentious bitch = Courtney’s parents fault.
4 – You look like you are going to be a BIG woman when you get older = God’s fault.
5 – Hey Baltimore, fuck off. That is probably the hottest thing you see all year that doesn’t have syphilis = East Coasts fault! (When I say Easy Coast I mainly mean Baltimore)